Okay…it’s not like it sounds…or maybe it is.  My past is pretty formidable.  Not as bad as many, but I’ve learned not to make comparisons.  What is good for the spider is chaos for the fly.

One of my early memories is that of my father crucifying my snake.  I may have mentioned that, but let’s recap.  Pet snake nailed to a board on top of the tv, suffering horrifically.  I designed my 3S card based on that agony.

I’m learning…I’m learning not to make decisions too quickly.  And so far, that’s been a good choice.  Time tells many tales.  So I wait and I watch and I see what will be.

Now, having a path set before me, it’s exciting.  I’m loving the learning involved…and in that there needs to be the occasional test.  I hate the tests.  But they’ll come.  I still can be capricious.  But mostly I’m at least correcting course quickly enough so as not to go too far off the beaten path that is mine.

My childhood brainwashed me all too well.  However, using that as a place of thought helps.  When confronted by something new, I can venture back into my memories (those that are not still hidden) and glean some bit of wisdom simply by thinking, “how did I get to this place?”

If I can pinpoint the things that created the poor choices, I can make better ones.  Oh, people still get annoyed because I will take “forever” to make a decision.  But too bad.  It’s my life; they’re my decisions.  I’m doing the best that I can and I’m healing at my own pace.  I think I’ve made amazing progress since I took my stand to not be part of an evil asshole’s creations.

I am nothing like he or the maternal ever said that I was.  To be a scapegoat is a tough job.  And to believe that you are the sins of the other is even tougher.  But, the tide is turning or whatever saying works for this.  I’m going back to therapy.  Not sure if it will help.  But i want to conquer more of this and I feel like I’ve hit a wall with what I can do on my own.  Fingers crossed this guy can listen and hear.  They all “listen” but few hear.  I’m dragging my Aspergers test with me to boot.  Someone will hear me on this issue.  And if no one does, I know where the door is.

Gosh, I feel so tough.  Let’s see how tough I am when the moment comes.  🙂

On a positive note – had a flashback.  Now, why would I call that positive?  because in spite of the moment itself, I realized throughout the day that when I’m in flashback I also kick into autopilot (dissociation).  I do things without thinking and they are generally the way things were in the past…e.g. I go and open a drawer to take out a spoon but they aren’t stored there any more.  The only time I go in the wrong drawer anymore is when I’m in flashback mode.

See the correlation?  It’s a cool discovery and something that will help me be more aware.  Mindfulness, being present, whatever terminology you use, it’s a good thing.  Now I just have to head them off at the pass.

 

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