Yes, I did it..I went to my first appointment but it wasn’t with the person I’ll be regularly seeing…it was an evaluation thing.  The guy was okay, but the gist was that he was trying to downplay my belief that I’ve been abused.  Older guy, stuck in his ways, controlling.  Yes…and that is not the end of it by any means.

It felt like a good ol’ boy thing and this guy may very well know the evil asshole.  So there’s that.

That, of course, sent me into a spiral.  WTF – to not be believed again.  Still.  Oh, I’m not too worried about my presiding counselor.  I think she’ll be okay with what I have to say and open to hearing it…but it gets me anxious about “what if..” what if she doesn’t believe me and yet another subtle form of gaslighting takes place that denies my own reality.  That sucks.  Yes, I’m in a place now where I don’t think I’m going down that rabbit hole…but jeepers…what if I weren’t?

But…it’s done.  I don’t have an appointment until Jan. so that’s cool.  I can certainly wait.  I need time to process anyway.  Now comes the holidays.  Mostly I’ll be fine.  I may have a day or two where I get lonely or upset.  I do miss having someone I can call or text at the very moment I want to.  But it’s not an issue of great consequence.  Not yet.  The guy was rather impressed that I could fill my time while being alone…seems easy enough…tho’ I do have days it doesn’t work well…but there are video games for such days.  🙂

I will also probably visit Denny’s for xmas.  I don’t mind eating alone and I can take it as an opportunity to smile at everyone who’s eating alone there too.  I may even wear my mistletoe headband.  Maybe.  we’ll see how brave I am…will I be more upset at being kissed by strangers or by the fact that no one will kiss me?  Damn…that one cuts both ways.

Anyway…after trying to convey to one person the various depths of damage in less than 30 minutes, it’s time to unwind.  Food is cooking.  Kitties are wandering or sleeping.  Neighbors are being jerks on one side and whatever to the other two sides.  I will take the upcoming cold snap as a reason to be quiet and snuggly in the house with food and kitties and probably some games to pass the time.

INFJ – helps to be one when you’re alone.

 

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