…become a monster like the abuser.

It is frustrating.  But it is not defeating.  I sit here thinking about everything I have to do to get the insurance before the end of the day in order to get in under the deadline.  Now, I could look at it as a panicked victim – which, don’t get me wrong, I do from time to time, but it is more productive for me to see the extended deadline as a blessing coming my way.

I own the car the ea drives.  It’s in my name.  I let him take it mainly to get rid of him.  But, it’s still in my name.  I have day dreams of going over and taking it or calling the junk guys to come pick it up or some other scenario.  and, legally, I could…just like ea cancelled my health insurance.  But…I am not like him.  Nor would I ever want to be.

Will I do this one day?  Maybe.  If I need to.  The registration is coming up.  I have that paperwork.  Should I renew it (with his money) or what?  There are things I know he’s doing behind the scenes…just like he fucked with the insurance.  But I don’t need to spend time in the future when I have enough to do today.

I do not want to be what he is…and in part I’m wondering if I’m being naive or foolish.  I am also sensing a bit of fear on my part because if I take the car he will react and do something even more horrendous…evidence that I’m not healed yet.  So, I’m confused.  And that is indicative of the trauma and CPTSD.  I can’t sort this one out yet.  I don’t have anyone to ask or talk to who could give me an objective perspective.

I guess I just sit with the knowledge that at any point I could go over there and retrieve my car or at least my plates.  Now, since the car is in my name, he’d never be able to register it or sell it.  And maybe he’s so bad off that he’s already secured flying monkeys to drive him around like I used to have to do.

I’m glad those days are over.  and my working out my own insurance is another step down the road of not having anything to do with him and not allowing him any control over my life.  That’s how I’m looking at it…it’s another hook removed from my soul.  The more he thinks he’s taking from me, the freer I get and the less leverage he has.  So he’s pretty much doing the work for me…as he tries to be Machiavelli and maneuver things so he can play victim and still try to hurt me.

What he fails to realize is that I won the day I got him out of my space.  And the day I removed his crap from this house.  And even tho’ he refuses to “play nice” I will be the ultimate winner…if for no other reason than I have time on my side…and I’m fucking happy.  He’s a miserable, lonely, evil asshole.  But me?  I like who I am.  I know I’m a decent person.  I have “miles to go before I sleep” as far as my healing goes, but I am healing.  My life is getting better.