I was trying to sleep, but my baby boy was insistent that I get up.

He is learning to pull down the covers.  Now, that might seem an impertinent piece of information, but let me explain.

Animals (that includes humans), when focused on survival do not always develop the intellectual prowess they possess.  When you are in survival mode, if your fight or flight response is constantly triggered, that is pretty much all there is…you merely survive.

All of the abuse was not just put on me, but on anyone in this house and that included the felines.  Now, it’s not quite a year of no-entrance for the narc.  It’s just barely a year of not having him sleeping here…so things are beyond better but still is a bit of healing to be done.

Now that my youngest boy is not having to live in constant fear (and I know a bunch of that was what he felt coming from me) he’s developing his mind and problem-solving skills.  We don’t think about that much.  How when the brain has to kick into survival mode the higher intellect has to stay quiet in order to just get by.  But it’s a common thing for those of us with CPTSD/PTSD.  You just don’t have time or energy to devote to much of anything else when you’re just trying to stay alive and away from harm.

Now, with the safer environment, a cat is learning how to pull down covers and figures out what to do to get various desired responses.  Most people don’t understand how smart animals are…cats especially.  That’s because we treat them so horrifically that they never get the chance to show us how brilliant they can be.  We treat them as “just animals” and that’s what we get…but underneath, if we give them the space and safety to come into their own, we might be amazed by the levels of their intelligence.

And, as a person who lived an entire life in fight or flight mode, it’s not too much different.  I’m older now…so my youthful ability to learn like a sponge is gone…but I still learn.  I just learn differently and at present, my interests lie in the more ethereal aspects of life.  And I’m rockin’ that shit.

I am being catfished by the evil asshole.  But…I’m learning to trust my gut more (something not afforded a life-long abuse victim until now).  And as I learn I find that I catch little things on occasion.  Twice he’s tried to friend me with fake IDs.  And as I wrote that I saw the 333 on the clock…which I take as confirmation of my statement.  So, that’s a nice twist to how my life is working.

Synchronicity is my newest friend and so far she’s a good one.  Now, I’d say “he” but it feels more feminine to me.  And just allowing the feminine into my life is transition a plenty.  My main abuser was the maternal.  And when I think about it, this past one and she shared so many qualities and the time span was pretty much spot on.  So I got to repeat the whole fucking mess with ea.

My new path is fun.  It’s exciting.  It fits.  I have my days where the overflow from the abuse takes over, but mostly it’s been amazing.  I want to keep to the “sunny side of the street” with my “talk” but there are going to be dark days.  It’s part of the healing and it’s part of life.  But I also want to keep myself acknowledging the abundance flowing into my life…in so many ways.  People get hung up on money.  Oh, yes, I could use some more…but abundance can come in many forms.

I get some extra money, it’s a blessing of abundance.  I save some money on something unexpectedly – that’s abundance.  Someone gives me a gift, now I don’t have to buy that thing – abundance.  I realize I can use something I already have for a particular project, abundance.  Ultimately, it’s perspective.  I can see what I need or I can see what I have.  I choose to look at it from the blessings perspective.  I’ve lived in some pretty spectacularly needy situations.  I know the difference.  And I am grateful for the many, many blessings I have now.  And being rid of the ea is top of the list.

I’m rambling now…having lost my train of thought (FMS).  So I’ll shut this down…but not before I say “Thank you” to all who make my life better.  That’s what helps get thru the dark days and helps me deal with the CPTSD…I guess I’ll get some more posts up about the history of my history.  But not today.  Today I’m going to take it easy and enjoy my freedom…something for which I am so very, very grateful.

Advertisements