If it were easy, the abuser would do it…

That’s why they keep harassing the survivor.  The current questions involve What is my $$?  How much of that is….?  What about this?  What about that?

Now…he opens with the statement that if I’d answer his questions he wouldn’t have to keep bugging me.  Do you see the subtlety in that manipulation?  Or maybe it’s not so subtle to people who have never had to live this way.

First….if it’s his money and he’s getting his notifications (like we all do from the government) then he has no cause to ask me and no cause to need me to even try to find out.  I don’t know if this is a mind game or him being lazy.  And then there’s the inevitable threat to be issued in the coming days when I don’t answer that he’ll take that money away.

There is a fine line I have to walk in order to survive this.  I’ve tread lightly so I can live here and survive…but the whole thing is wearing thin.  The more I heal the more I do not want to give into his threats or allow myself to be manipulated.  And frankly, that seems so basic to me that I can’t believe I even have to remind myself that something is awry.

To a rational person the statement of “answer so I don’t have to bother you” may seem reasonable.  But this is a veiled threat and a very nasty attempt to get me to do what he wants me to do.

When you start to heal you start to discover your dignity again.  It had been stripped right down to nothing…but “it lives” [silly Frankenstein reference].  So it seems imperative to me to be able to hold onto that for dear life…because my new life needs that.  It’s how I learn to set boundaries.  It’s how I expect to be treated well and not accept anything less than what I deserve…and I do deserve some basic things.  To me, dignity is a pretty basic and essential part of being human.

Since I refuse to have a conversation with this abuser, it takes longer to establish things.  Plus, he doesn’t need any more ammunition with which to harm me.  I had one of his flying monkeys stop as I was shoveling snow this morning…”next time call me if you need…”  to which I replied, “next time if you see it, just come over and do…”  First, the guy says he’ll do all sorts of things and doesn’t.  Second, the ea has been trying to get my phone number for a year and I will not give it to him…nor to his cronies…nor to anyone who may convey it to him.  So, I shan’t be foolish enough to “call” this guy and thus provide the number.

I know…it sounds so paranoid.  It sounds like a nice offer, but those offers come with some pretty significant chains.  If you’ve not experienced this, I’m glad you have not…but don’t dis those of us who have and know that there’s more to this whole thing than what the rest of the world sees.  It’s maniacal.  It’s very Machiavellian.  For fellow survivors, you know of what I speak.  To anyone who hasn’t…nothing will convince you if you don’t get it.

So, here’s to another day of taking a stand…tenuous as it may be.  I may have some pretty harsh struggles coming in the near future…but I’d rather live my life MY way than have some evil asshole dictate even one moment.

Cry “Freedom!!!!!”  [raises fist into the air]

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