Alright – I should be used to it…but it still gives me pause.  I will concede that maybe, just maybe, there is some viable idea that my lack of socialization as a child could be translated into Asperger’s now.  The counselor is a big nurture proponent.

Yes, I think nurture has a whole hell of a lot to do with how we turn out – but I also believe that nature has its hand in the pie as well.  My biggest argument is that evil jerks can have exactly the same experiences as we (tho’ I realize that’s being overly generalized and a tad naive) and still go bad.  While some of us have so much more to work out and we still want to be kind and gentle on the path.  So…what’s the difference?  There has been scientific studies that show different brain patterns in serial killers, et al.  So, I’ll lean toward that part…there is evil in the world and it lives mostly in humans.

And…in other news…there are days I feel extremely happy – how can I not?  Given what I’ve just escaped, the comparison alone is enough to make one giddy.  But, the pendulum always swings way the hell in the other direction – some days I’m sad and lonely and just plain wish I had someone to talk to, to text, to hug, to kiss, to…well, you get the idea.

But I love my space.  Living alone is spectacular!  Seriously, for me it’s the best thing ever.  But I want someone there when I feel the need to text who’ll tell me they love me and make me feel important to them.  That would be nice.  But I’m unwilling to sacrifice my autonomy and my freedom for anyone now.  My babies…that’s it.  They need me.  I love them.  They’re my family.  Beyond that, I can’t think of a single person I’d want in my domicile for more than a few hours at a time.  I love when I get back my space and just soak in the silence.

Valentines is coming…the manufactured holiday to make most people feel like crap.  I know, I’ll lay off.  I’m sure some folks get to use it to tell their sweetheart that they’re special…but why wait for a holiday?  We should do that as often as possible IRL.  That’s what I want.

I guess I’m just finally in a place where I won’t settle.  And I think sometimes FwB tend to get annoyed that they aren’t the moon and the stars (or is it the sun and the sky? I forget how it went).  Treat me right and I’ll treat you better…isn’t that the saying?  But until we find our match – the one who seems to get us, to want us without all the picky, self-absorbed crap…well, I’ll try to fill my days with more for me…

Painting, research for healing purposes, writing posts like these, just trying to get better at taking care of me.  I’m all I’ve got.  Is there someone out there?  I hope so.  It’s been the dream…but I’d rather be awake and happy than asleep and miserable.

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