Trigger warning – just in case – ’cause I never know….

FMS, DDD, +…

My back seized up on me a few days ago.  Now, I’m doing better, but it’s still very limiting and frustrating.  I don’t do “sitting still” very well, and really, it hurts to do so…but then it hurts to walk, stand, move, not move…

I want to say “it could be worse” and it could – I like my glass-half-full mentality most days, but then there’s the new, self compassionate part that says, “it’s okay to feel lousy and indulge in a little bit of self pity”.  Just a little.

I can’t do what I usually do to help with the pain.  I don’t do the pills any more…they were used against me by ea to manipulate and keep me “sedate”.  I am lucky, no addiction issues, but damn if I’ll let anyone put me in that freakin’ head space again.

While modern medicine has it’s benefits, it’s also invasive and intrusive and all sorts of violating of the person and body.  Not an easy thing for an INFJ/HSP/HSE.  I dread an impending check up.  Just hate those visits, plus I’ll have to share some “symptoms” I don’t want to share.  She’ll probably order tests.  And I may have to dig in my heals a bit in order to keep from being admitted or otherwise kept away from home.  My babies need me.  Anything that needs doing can be done on an outpatient basis and in my time schedule.  I need control over my body and my health.  That too was used against me in days gone by.

I seem to be having some flashbacks, both emotional and sensory.  Pain can break down the defenses.  At least I understand that.  This bout of back pain had me neigh unto passing out.  I just made it to my bed before I fell over.  Now, it’s more I need the cane for walking but am able to meander thru the house without using it most of the time now.  Tho’ that varies depending on how I behave (or don’t) while meandering.

I have a birthday coming up in just over a month.  I should make some plans for myself.  But I don’t know what.  Time to do some thinking.

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