I tend toward the comfort of others.  That’s most of what’s gotten me into trouble with being abused and other unsavory characters…

Truly, I think I’m mostly just overwhelmed.  Too much of everything.  My neck has been hurting quite badly for months now…and only last night, after using a gel Rx’d by my new primary, have I actually slept without feeling the pain.  That might sound simple, but it’s not.

Now, add an active time of making new friends and trying to be a more social creature (in other words, acting counter to my nature) and having various appointments and fwb wanting to visit.  It’s too much.

Today, I’m getting that rubber band affect that happens when you’ve gotten so used to feeling awful that you don’t know what to do when something goes right.  A relatively decent night’s sleep because of that gel has me feeling even more tired…or more likely, I’m just feeling the actual tiredness of the piling on of life because I don’t have to block the exhaustion any more.

But, overwhelm is overwhelm.  I really didn’t know what to do…go to my appointment and then have my visitor or cancel the visit since the appointment is not negotiable at this point in time.  I had planned on doing both…mainly so as not to hurt the feelings of fwb.  We haven’t seen each other in quite a while due to his schedule.  And I’m not trying to “get even” – that’s not my style…but I also have to guard against co-dependent behavior by trying to keep him happy at my own expense.

So, I sent the email cancelling out.  And I felt a relief by doing it.  So, must be the right choice for me.  I shouldn’t have to constantly alter my schedule to fit someone else’s.  And that’s been the way of it.  My life is not booked to the hilt.  I keep my life as uncluttered as possible in all ways.  So, it was reasonable to me to make the adjustments when he was available…but perhaps that got to be too much of a pattern.

It doesn’t hurt for me to cancel and state my needs.  It’s empowering.  Obviously, I have more work to do in this area.  The fact that I didn’t catch on as quickly, but I did catch on eventually – so let’s focus on the positive.  Way to go, Me!

INFJ, HSP/HSE, Aspie, FMS, DDD, Anxiety, I think it adds up sometimes.  I have been watching for synchronicities to help me.  When I asked for some help to figure out if I should cancel the clock was at 606.  For me, that’s a number of taking care of my body.  So I cancelled.  When I posted that I’ve been looking for synchronicities, the clock was at 626 – that’s about the balance of the body for me.  I have my own, odd numerology I use.  And that’s all it has to be – what works for me.

I have lots of things I want to do with my life.  I have lots of issues that mean I have to be careful with my time and energy.  Thus, being picky about how I spend said time and energy is crucial.  This also means that the people I spend time with have to give me something I need and allow me to contribute to their life in some meaningful way.  That’s reciprocity.  While fwb does fit that, today he’s just too much of a weight on the one side of my need-to-be-balanced scale.  So, alas, he got the boot.

I am proud of that tho’.  I made a choice that was good for me in spite of knowing it was going to be upsetting to another person.  That’s been a big issue for me.  I don’t like the emotional energy from others that get pissy with me.  But in this case, it’s all about me…hell, it’s my life…it’s supposed to be all about me.

Advertisements