Maya Angelou I think.  And it’s paramount to my own healing.  (trigger warning – swearing, stalking, etc)

I’ve discovered that it’s one of those things…the kind of thing that will be a touchstone for me in the days ahead.

The ea never had my back.  He would tell me “you can take care of yourself” but would expect me to fight his battles for him.  And in my life, it was pretty much common fare.  I was on my own.

So, as I move forward, that will be something that will be non-negotiable.  My partner(s) must have my back.  And the only way to find that out is to be together for a while and see if he does.

I think I’ve reached a bit of a milestone.  You know when you take a long trip and you’re on your way home?  There’s a halfway point where suddenly you realize that you’re actually closer to home than you are from your previous destination.  That’s what it feels like.  It feels like I’m closer to being who I am; closer to being where I’m heading than I was nearly two years ago.  Yep.  August will be the big date of two years for asking for my freedom…and then, gradually and ever so carefully, taking it.

Now…yes, he could fuck with me.  But, even tho’ it would spark some severe anxiety, I don’t care.  He’s no longer in charge of me.  Oh, he stalks me.  He made a point of “congratulating” me on a class I’ll soon be teaching.  The big question being, how did he know?  I know how he knew.  I know what he does.  So it’s not some great mystery or some amazing kreskin power on his part.  He’s a simple stalker, that’s all.  Nothing special.

But my life is going well.  Yep…still don’t have the money to live my life my way totally.  Still don’t have any kind of “real” relationship.  Still in a place I don’t want to be…but that’s just circumstances.  Inside, I’m flying.

Now I just wait on the universe to open the doors, throw synchronicities at me, then I follow the breadcrumbs.  And it’s soooooo cool.

I don’t want to walk this life completely alone.  But I can.  All I can do is be me.  Be authentic – I know it’s an overused word.  But really, it’s the best one atm.  So, I be me.  I stand in my integrity.  I do my work in my journey.  And whomever is in my life and is supportive and trustworthy, they can be by my side.  Notice I am not saying I’ll stand by my man…those days are over and done.  I support anyone who is in my life…but it’s all about me now.

And that’s not some arrogant bs.  That’s what’s come of needing to survive and reality teaches that we take care of ourselves as no one else really will or can.  They can only support our endeavors.

So, I look forward to having a few people in my life that want to be there.  Who can let me be me and love me for it.  But, no matter what…I’ve got my own back.

 

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