Dissociation is generally a “bad” thing and we’re encouraged to face our fears and emotions in order to heal.  Trigger warning:  Abuse discussion

With a recent event, a sharp reminder that healing takes way more time than we think it might, I was reminded of something rather important to my own journey:

Don’t forget where you come from.  We hear that phrase when talking about family and our upbringing – which applies here too – but in this incident, it is to remind me that coping can often lead to a too distant view of what has happened to us.

So many people get sick of hearing our woes.  They want us to get on with things and heal and be the happy-go-lucky soul that we are supposed to be for their comfort.  Well, yeah…while I am very much a “by the bootstraps” kind of person, I may go a bit too far in that.

By distancing myself from my most recent abuse scenario, I may have inadvertently “forgotten” all the horrific things that were done to me.  Now, I’m not whining.  Quite the opposite.  I’m facing it.  I’m allowing myself to realize that just because I’ve had some measure of healing and freedom, I am by no means “out of the woods” just yet.  and really, I need some fresher phrases to plug into my writing.  😀

With someone like myself, someone who is there for others, who counsels others, who is “the strong one” I tend to forget that I’m human and have my own vulnerabilities.  I will push them aside in order to “be strong” and help someone else.  While perhaps a bit noble in my intention, it’s also going to have its repercussions for my own growth and healing.

I am allowed (and I keep using first person so you all can feel safe as you read and also, perhaps, take that on as you cope with your traumas) to STILL feel/be wounded from the abuse.  I am allowed to have crazy moments and moments when I can’t seem to see straight.  I’m allowed to remember how much was forced upon me.  I am allowed to still be wounded and raw.  I am allowed….whatever the hell I need to survive this life at this moment.

I don’t need to appear strong every minute of every day.  That’s a life-long thing.  Suppressing/repressing whatever in order to get by.  Never let them see you sweat.  You don’t show weakness because the predators leap on it full force and rip your proverbial throat out while you’re not looking.  Yikes.  That’s a bit intense…but it’s all too true.

So, not wanting to live in a constant state of fight or flight, I tend to push aside the vulnerability and opt for a show of strength.  It’s worked pretty well in the past.  It has its place, by all means.  In a confrontation there’s nothing better than a quiet, calm demeanor (even if mount vesuvius is erupting inside) to keep you safe(r).

So, in all of this so-called strength, I have, at times, lost my weaknesses.  And in that I don’t mean that my weaknesses are a bad thing.  I mean that they are a legitimate part of me and they came to be from real and intense situations.  I’m not the one who brought them into being (unless we want to venture down that road of psychology, which atm we do not).  I was force fed things that made me who I am today.  And with the most recent abuse, well…there was some crazy stuff that went on.

I do tend to get so wrapped up in “rescuing” or helping others that I forget that I’m still in need of a good deal of healing.  And that, sometimes, it’s okay for me to hide away and take care of me…and to say “no” to others.

Right now my space is compromised because i’m getting work done around the yard and it’s a bartering situation.  All of this makes me absolutely uncomfortable.  The people in my space.  The uncertainty of being able to barter the situation and come out without owing anyone anything.  Knowing that the whole thing is skewed in favor of the other person.  Yet, it all came to be in such a way that I’m taking it as the universe moving me into yet another learning situation and perhaps a good something or other of which I have no clue yet.

For sure, it will make my neighbors less “down their noses” because the property looks horrendous.  I’m not big on what other people thing influencing what I do, but in a village situation, you do have to adhere a bit to the local wants or they make your life a living hell.

So, today is a day to revisit the abuse…uncomfortable as that may be.  To allow myself to be vulnerable and feel weak and not try so hard to be so strong.

If life were easy, everyone would be doing it.  😉

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