I guess some might call it a downswing – trigger warning

There’s been a guy wandering around the neighborhood.  He asks weird questions and made a comment about “you don’t look disabled”.  I didn’t think about it much but was hit with the realization that he could be sent by the ea to not only spy, but maybe fuck with my disability.  Watch to see if I lift something heavy or do some kind of work…well, I can’t not do things that need doing, but I pay a severe price when I do.

So, with that in mind I may have to mention other things in passing.  I hate this.  I didn’t fake my way into this place.  I sure as hell don’t need to fake anything.  My condition is variable and it wreaks havoc on me when it’s bad.  Hell, it wreaks havoc when it’s not bad…I just push thru and still get things done…to a degree.

Now, add in the fact that I loaned my vehicle to a neighbor because his grandmother died.  The favor was over used and taken advantage of and no care was spent with my vehicle and the gas tank was empty several times upon return.

I don’t understand people.  How do you borrow something from someone and not return it at least as well as you borrowed it?  And why do you take advantage of another’s kindness?  And how is it that people are cruel to the feral cats?  to the extent that now someone’s pet is missing?  And wtf is with all this crap?

I feel like I got dropped off on the wrong planet.  Or maybe the right planet but with the wrong inhabitants.  Is this a penal colony for someplace else?

It makes me want to move out to the woods more and more every day.

Why do people suck?  Not all.  I do know a few folks who are “salt of the earth” kind of people, whatever that means.  Generally, those are the good ones who will help you if they can.  I just don’t know where the term originated.

But when people say “most people are good” I want to scoff.  ’tis not true!  Most people are selfish and will play you for all they can before moving on to the next victim.  I don’t understand it.  It makes zero sense to me.  And that makes me feel so sad and depressed.

This too shall pass…except I don’t think I’ll ever get to a place where I can trust most people again.  I don’t think that’s possible, tho’ I say that now and I’ll still help someone who asks even tho’ in the long run they’ll fuck me over.  So the question might be why do I do this stuff?

It’s how I’m wired.  I cannot be other than what I am.  I have a code of ethics or honor or whatever you want to call it.  To live less than that would be anathema to me.  Even tho’ I know it’s going to backfire, I still be me.  I still be kind.  I still give if I can.  I still…well, be human.  tho’ I’m beginning to see that as less than a compliment.

I haven’t got an ending for this.  I’m too downtrodden.  I just hope that my tribe finds me soon because I’m floundering out here.

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