Not all family is the same.  Mine happens to include several four-legged, furry individuals.  (trigger warning)

And, if life doesn’t give me an alternative, I will have to choose amongst my family.  I will have to choose whom to kill.  Whom to abandon.  And then I have to hope that I can get a letter so the two remaining can come together to live with me if I have to live somewhere else.

I feel like I’m tearing the heart from my chest with my bare hands.  I’m suffocating and I’m drowning.  It is an agonizing experience.  And I have yet to go through it.  And, maybe, I won’t have to…but just in case, I have to be prepared.  And for me, an hse, it’s like I’m time traveling into the future and living it now…here…over and over.  There is no “it’s not happening now”.  It’s all now…it all blends together.  It is all too much…even tho’ it is not yet…and maybe not ever.

This does not include the feral clowder.  How do I walk away from them?  Those who have depended on me for so long to give them food and shelter and not hurt them…a safe haven from the neighborhood that has been less than kind to their little bodies and souls.

It fucking hurts.  I did not want to have to choose.  I never wanted to choose.  The boy who has to go to a new home won’t understand.  He’ll just feel abandoned…again.  He was from the humane society.  So he was moved from there to a foster home…where he was not treated well.  Then back to the shelter for adoption.  Then he came to me.  Then the abuser put him thru hell…and he’s just getting over that.  I know all his idiosyncrasies.  I know how to comfort him.  And here I go, possibly having to abandon him all over again.  And it would be easier if I cut myself with a dull knife than this feels.

I don’t need all the “it’s for the better” speeches.  There’s nothing that will make this any better.  Not a single thing.  It just has to be…if it has to be.  I’m still hoping the universe gives me an alternative.  But if it doesn’t, I have this very difficult thing to do…to two of my children…my family.  it just sucks.

Advertisements