….hmmmmm

Probably trigger warnings….

I’ve not been feeling well.  My fms has kicked in to join the party.  So it’s a whole lot of “bleh”.

A friend checks on me from time to time….”feeling any better?”  Well, no…but I try to stay positive.  Then, I caught myself just avoiding talking to them.  I didn’t mean to.  It really was me being busy with my hands full at that moment, but yeah…it was noticeably easier to avoid said call.

I spent way too much time hearing others tell me that maybe if I didn’t say I wasn’t feeling well, not say I was tired (aka exhausted), stop being so negative (I, btw, am way too positive sometimes), that maybe I wouldn’t feel so awful.  Okay…so I spent a lot of time NOT talking about things that I probably should have.  There’s a word for this.  For down playing someone’s issues…but it escapes me atm.

ea did it all the time…only his life was worth discussing.  and i was trained up from an early age to keep my mouth shut, not complain.  I remember twisting my ankle very badly as a kid.  I mean, I twisted it so much that I couldn’t put any weight on it normally, so I limped behind an angry maternal walking on the side of my foot because that was how it twisted and it was the only way I could manage any forward movement.  I think you get the picture.

And, as it does, this pattern has continued.  I rarely tell people the truth (well, the whole truth and nothin’ but…) about how I’m feeling or doing.  Why?  Because who cares?  And no one wants to hear me complain, right?

I guess that’s why I utilize social media.  I’m not trying to dump on anyone…just that when I get these sorts of things going on, I do actually learn something.  And, hopefully, my strange journey has not been for naught.

So, I caught it.  Yay for me.  I probably still won’t complain to anyone as much as my life could warrant it.  But at least I’m starting to talk about it all.  At least I’m learning and growing and starting to recognize the parts of me that were totally fucked up.  And repairs are underway.

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