Okay, if you’ve lived through any abuse or trauma, there are dates that set you off.  One of mine is quickly approaching.  It was a very difficult moment for me.  It was a necessary one.  It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.  But that doesn’t negate the intensity of my experience.

Add in a few personal hiccups and some overall inner growth – well, I’m happy, but I’m stressed.  I am grateful, but still can’t help the flashbacks.  And this y0-yo or rollercoaster (choose your favorite) experience is “normal” for C-PTSD or PTSD.  One moment we’re fine, the next you’d think it was our first day on this path.

And it’s all part of that path.  Healing is not something you can set into a one-size-fits-all format.  it’s as individual as the person and their experiences.  Is it any wonder it can be tough some days?

Trust is at the center of it all.  Trust for others in our lives; but mostly trust in ourselves and our own judgment.  Can I trust myself since the last time this happened…..

It’s hard enough to deal with other people, but when your struggle is with yourself as well, that’s a lot like Sisyphus.  The difference is, we do have the ability to pause that rock and take breaks.  We don’t think we do, and mid-flashback it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it, but we do.  And we should.

Amidst life and its current challenges, I’ve decided I need a break.  So, this anniversary will see me doing not a friggin’ thing that i don’t feel like doing.  No-siree-bob.  In fact, I’m making it a multiple-day vacation from all of it.  I’m not doing any denial thing.  I’m just facing the fact that I have to take care of me first and right now I’m a little raw and vulnerable.  So, it’s all about me for the next several days to a week.

Oh, I’ll take care of those for whom I am responsible.  I will always do that.  But beyond that…beyond my “have to do” list – it’s me, baby!  And I have no clue what that looks like today.  Just that I am avoiding any communication that upsets me.  I’m taking the time to rest.  I’m going for walks if I start to feel anxious or stressed out.  I’m taking care of ME.

Slowly, this date of anxiety and trauma will be turned into a celebration.  One day, not too far away, I will throw a real party and have a real fiesta on my own behalf.  🙂

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